the state of things

 

New Titles For 2014

by Elvis Shackleton - 13:25 on 01 January 2014

Obviously masses of discussion in the press today about what we can expect from the Douglas Lindsay stable in the coming year. George Osborne has even gone as far as to say that the very future of the British economy, and by default the economy of the entire world, is pretty much dependent on the success or failure of Lindsay's output in the coming months.

Professor Malcolm Connery of the Glasgow Institute of Special Things is in no doubt of the importance of the year ahead. 'The world stands on a knife edge,' he told me this morning, while looking out over the golden spires of Glasgow's west end, 'and the slightest thing could topple it either way. Success for the Barney Thomson and Thomas Hutton series, and the world could be saved, a new enlightenment will dawn and this time next year we'll be talking about world peace, contact with intergalactic civilisations and an end to poor grammar. Failure however, and we're all fucking doomed, by the way. Death, disease, pestilence, civil war, murder, destruction, and an eventual slide into a fetid barbarism from which the human race will likely never recover.'

While Lindsay remains in hiding in a cave overlooking the Heilongjiang river in northern China, his billions of adoring fans worldwide can expect the following titles in the coming months, beginning with a couple of delayed books which had originally been penned in for autumn 2013.

THE WORMWOOD CODE

The lost Barney Thomson novella, dealing with the true story of the events surrounding Barney's first sojourn to Westminster, when he was ordered to become Tony Blair's personal barber prior to the 2005 General Election campaign. Available now free, as of 1st January 2014, by following this link and adhering to the demands of Blasted Heath. No one is yet sure how the title will be available once this campaign is over.

KIDS, AND WHY YOU SHOULDN'T EAT MORE THAN ONE FOR BREAKFAST

The much-anticipated hilarious third collection of Lindsay's blogs, funnier than an episode of Top Of The Lake, shorter than Game Of Thrones. Due mid-January, and expected to sell upwards of ten to fifteen downloads in the first eight months.

A ROOM WITH NO NATURAL LIGHT

The long-awaited one-off literary noir novel, expected to bring Lindsay several awards, amid rumours that Alan Rickman has been penned in to star in the movie version, alongside Wei Zhao, with Kate Winslett as his wife and Judi Dench as the evil mother-in-law. While the publication date remains unknown, it is expected to be released some time in the next two months, with publishing analysts predicting mega-sales in the first year.

BEING FOR THE BENEFIT OF MR KITE!

Lindsay's first surrealist novel, about a man who thinks himself off a crashing plane, is locked up and interrogated by the security services for his trouble, and who must find the mysterious Jigsaw Man. The book is in the final edit stages and should be released sometime in the spring or early summer. Or later than that. No one really know yet, although publishing insiders predict that this will be Lindsay's breakthrough book, with downloads estimated in the billions rather than in single figures.

DS THOMAS HUTTON #3

The follow-up to A PLAGUE OF CROWS, sees Hutton investigating a series of murders around the merger of three churches in his home town. Currently in the works, its release penned in for later in the year.

WE ARE DEATH

The follow-up to WE ARE THE HANGED MAN, We Are Death is Lindsay's next project, once Hutton #3 is done and dusted. While this book has been mapped out, tightly plotted like an episode of The Great British Bake Off, it will not be written until later in the summer, with its release date likely to come some time in early 2015.


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