the state of things
Blasted Heath Make END OF DAYS Free On Kindle, Country Rejoices
by Elvis Shackleton - 15:41 on 05 February 2014
In news that sparked wild celebrations the length and breadth of the land this morning, it was announced that digital uber-publisher, Blasted Heath, were giving away the Barney Thomson novella, THE END OF DAYS, as a free download. The political satire pastiche horror comedy, credited with helping bring down the last corrupt and unpopular Labour government, is already a favourite with Barney Thomson fans worldwide.
Now, with this remarkable instalment in the adventures of Planet Earth's most widely recognised barber, free for all to download, millions of new fans are expected to come over from the Dark Side. With anticipation growing that sales of the rest of the Barney catalogue will soar, the FTSE hit record heights, the Governor of the Bank of England and Boris Johnson were seen kissing, and the Queen gave everyone the rest of the week off.
‘Ah, Scotland,’ said the PM. ‘Another thorn in my bloody side. What is that eejit thinking? Independence... Sure, you can be independent, you doughnut-eating wanker. There you go, you can have your nearly-empty oil fields and you can have your bloody Royal Bank of Scotland, along with its debt. It’s all yours. They’d be bankrupt on day one. Day one! D’you have a nice time? I quite like Scotland.’
‘Aye,’ said Barney. ‘What are you looking for today?’
‘Well, we’ve got this big finance speech this morning, and we’re getting ready for Copenhagen. So we need to be bold, I want a haircut of vision. Something that says, you know, Gandhi, something like that.’
‘Gandhi was bald.’
‘It’s a higher notion than just hair, Barney, you ought to know that. I want a haircut that transcends hair. That’s what Gandhi had. He had a haircut that didn’t even need hair. I want something like that, but a haircut that doesn’t need hair but has hair anyway. You see where I’m coming from? You know that today politics isn’t about policy, it isn’t about substance or platforms or issues or taking a stance. It’s about hair. That’s why you’re here, and that’s why I did so well last week. Did you see those polls in the Sundays? I’m on fire. Now give me a Gandhi.’
‘But with hair,’ he added a second later, in case Barney had missed that bit.
'One must not underestimate the effect that this announcement is likely to have on the entire world,' said Professor Malcolm Connery of the Glasgow Institute of Special Things, speaking this morning from his maisonette office on the 93rd floor of the majestic Nicola Sturgeon House near Glasgow Dock. 'This is just the kind of economic stimulus that countries everywhere have been needing. It's not too much of a stretch to say that because of this bold action today by Blasted Heath, we are looking at a chain reaction of events that will lead us to finding life on other planets. Which is just as well, as this one is completely fucked.'
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