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30 Newspaper Headlines From Barney Thomson Novels

by Elvis Shackleton - 11:00 on 17 February 2014

As the fan of Douglas Lindsay’s Barney Thomson series is aware, a staple of any Barney novel is the newspaper headlines. Some call it incredible comic and satirical invention; some say it’s the desperate gimmick of a despairing writer searching for jokes in the trough of his own atrophied imagination.

Here Elvis Shackleton suggests 30 of the best.

30.

DOG WITH TRANSPLANTED HEAD OF DEAD
IBROX LEGEND IS NEW RANGERS SIGNING TARGET

Evening Times

29.
MASSIVE OIL DEPOSITS DISCOVERED IN ZIMBABWE,
US SENDS TROOPS TO OUST MUGABE

The Mail

28.

IT TURNS OUT SPYING IS IN GCHQ’S JOB

DESCRIPTION, GUARDIAN TO APOLOGISE

The Guardian

27.

SADAT ASSASSINATION – THOMSON ACCUSED

The Times

26.

KILLER BARBER IN INCREDIBLE CAPTAIN DEATH

HEAD-SLASH THRILLER

The Daily Record

25.

HE’S A KILLER ALL RIGHT,

BUT IS HE ALSO AN ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT?

The Mail

24.

NORTH-EAST MAN FINDS STONE IN PEACH

The Aberdeen Press & Journal

23.

NORTH EAST MAN GROWS POTATOES

The Aberdeen Press & Journal

22.

BIG BROTHER’S MALKY TO TAKE IT

UP THE ARSE IN LIVE TV FIRST SHOCKER!

The Mirror

21

HEAD IN RUBBISH WINS TURNER PRIZE

The Times

20.

BARNEY THOMSON QUITS TORIES

The Guardian

19.

‘I SHAGGED SURVIVOR BABE’

CLAIMS RANGERS ACE

The Daily Record

18.

‘COOL’ KILLER IN DOWNING STREET INVITE MYSTERY

The Mirror

17.

FIRST MINISTER TO PUSH FOR

DERBY IN NEW SPRING OFFENSIVE

The Scotsman

16.

UNLUCKY BARBER ONCE MORE

CAUGHT UP IN DEATH FRENZY,

LIKELY TO BE UNFAIRLY PERSECUTED

The Telegraph

15.

THOMSON SLAUGHTERS NINETY-EIGHT

WOMEN IN TERROR WEEK

The Sun

14.

THOMSON EXPECTED TO REDUCE GLOBAL

POPULATION BY 50% IN NEXT TWENTY YEARS

The Mirror

13.

ISRAEL ‘VERY NAUGHTY’ FOR KILLING

1MILLION PALESTINIANS, SAYS BUSH

The Scotsman

12.

THAT GUY COULDN’T LACE MY

BOOTS, CLAIMS SADDAM

The Mirror

11.

BUSH ‘FORGETS’ HAWAII PART

OF U.S., NUKES HONOLULU

The Herald

10.

THOMSON FRAMED BY PORN KING

IN CAMILLA SCANDAL

The Daily Express

9.

BLAIR TO BE NEXT ‘GOD’

The Sun

8.

BARCELONA TEA LADY ON WAY TO

IBROX IN SWAP DEAL WITH AMARUSO

The Mirror

7.

MASS MILLPORT SLAUGHTER FAILS

TO STEM PLANET POPULATION GROWTH,

WORLD RUNNING OUT OF WATER

The Independent

6.

UPROAR AS BOFFINS SET

TO CLONE BARBER SURGEON

The Scotsman

5.

BLAIR SUSPENDS COMMONS

IN ‘LOGICAL’ NEXT STEP

The Daily Express

4.

HEAD IN SKIP NOT ART,

JUST GROSS, SAYS DAD

The Mirror

3.

BARNEY THOMSON WORE MY

DAUGHTER’S SKIN, CLAIMS UPSET MUM

The Sun

2.

MI6 INSIDER CLAIMS DIANA ‘STILL DEAD’

The Daily Express

1.

THE ENGLISH ARE BASTARDS

The Daily Record


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