the state of things
Excerpt from AYE, BARNEYThe Return of Barney ThomsonBallad In BlueRevised DI Westphall Publication DatesDI Westphall Cover ArtIndex
Nothing Is Impossible
by Douglas Lindsay - 21:56 on 04 September 2008One more day of school holidays... Then the weekend... Then there’s only actually one hour of school - which the parents are supposed to attend - on the first day... And then school starts on the 9th. Just in time for mid-term break.
Things are getting a little edgy during the long days in the house. Threats are being made, spells are being cast from both sides. Psychological scars are being inflicted that will not see the light of day until either parent or child attends therapy in fifteen years time.
A few months ago I sent my screen agent a tv idea. She didn’t reply for two months. I assumed she’d read it, and had tactfully forgotten to write to me to tell me she thought it was rubbish. Then, out of the blue, she wrote to tell me she quite liked it, and could she have the first episode. Spooks meets Messiah, she said. Neither are shows which I’ve watched, but recognised the agent’s need to couch everything in terms of something else. However, I was busy struggling to get Lost in Juarez ready for publication, and so didn’t have the time. I forgot about the tv idea. Then in a turn of events never before heard of, my agent wrote to me asking for the script. At the time I was so bold as to quote Ronald Weasley. Bloody Hell... And so for the past three weeks I’ve been writing a tv episode, which is after the fashion of two shows I’ve never seen before. As mentioned above, however, this is in the midst of the school holidays, and so the work has been conducted at midnight, or hours thereabouts, once the spawn have been locked in their bedrooms. Like a majority of tv ideas, this one will likely never see a tv screen, but it’s been an engaging process. And even if it doesn’t come off, it has given me some enthusiasm for my next tv idea, Buffy meets River Cottage.
Have also been writing songs and sticking them on my MySpace page, so that my fellow band member, Richard, can learn them, prior to going into the studio later in the year. Wrote a song called Nothing Is Impossible, after seeing the absurd Nike advert in one of Two of Two's old football magazines, then seeing the equally absurd Impossible is Nothing, Adidas advert. (Not to mention, King’s College Oxford’s Philosophy Department advert, Is Impossible Nothing? and the advert for a life-size blow-up inflatable Yoda, Impossible Nothing Is.) Came up with a couple of decent lines:
Nothing Is Impossible, do they really believe it’s true?
Did they read it in a Chinese fortune cookie and think it might work with shoes?
Impossible Is Nothing, I’ve been giving it a lot of thought
Could I declare peace in the Middle East in the trainers that I just bought?
Are Scotland really going to win the World Cup?
Could I live to be two hundred and nine?
Could I get one of Charlie’s Angels into bed?
And if I buy the best shoes get all three at the same time?
There’s a link to a very, very rough version here.
All distractions before upcoming Barney Thomson business...
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