the state of things
Excerpt from AYE, BARNEYThe Return of Barney ThomsonBallad In BlueRevised DI Westphall Publication DatesDI Westphall Cover ArtIndex
The Distilled Essence of Pussy Galore
by Douglas Lindsay - 09:04 on 16 October 2008There are absurd amounts of money spent on marketing big book and film franchises, and you have to wonder how closely they examine the figures to see whether or not it all pays off. Given the fact that the entire financial structure of the west is currently imploding, I don't think the answer obviously they examine the finances is necessarily correct. In the endless circle of book and movie tie-ins, of stickers and posters and mugs and comics and magazines and videos and plastic crap toys for kids and McMeals and place mats and games and petrol and heavy engineering equipment, everyone is served by everyone else, and so, does anyone ever stop and say... No, we're going to draw the line at Captain Jack paper napkins, because honestly, The Pirates of The Caribbean movie franchise isn't about a kid wiping chocolate off his chin. And let's take the $10m we were going to devote to the Mummy range of nappies and other baby essentials and spend it on producing a couple of low budget movies addressing the social problems of the world today...?
Well, that probably doesn't happen very often.
The tie-ins with kids' movies are objectionable, but at least understandable. It's when they produce the tie-in with the movie aimed at adults that you think, what are they thinking, and just who is that aimed at? I had a what are they thinking moment last night whilst being forced to watch some execrable piece of reality mince on Channel 5 by TPCKAM. The adverts came on, and suddenly there was the one for Bond Girl 007, the new fragrance from Avon. What???
This is a family column, so one shouldn't be too vulgar, but FOR FUCK'S SAKE! What is that all about, and on just how many levels is it wrong?
Bond Girl 007? I mean, seriously. Not that one can say that Ian Fleming must be turning in his grave, or that Shir Shean must be tripping over the lip of his bunker, but really, the new fragrance Bond Girl 007...
According to the Avon press release, Gemma Arterton, this year's Bond Girl and the face of the new fragrance said, "I'm thrilled to be working with two such iconic and established brands. The Bond Girl 007 fragrance embodies everything a Bond Girl represents -- intelligence, sexiness and confidence."
She didn't really say that, did she? She took the money and let the admen put words in her mouth. Hell, I suppose I'd do the same.
To quote further from the press release: The scent is a sexy cocktail of velvety florals, cool freshness and warm woods. It features top notes of velvety white peach and orange blossom followed by mid-notes of jasmine, calypso orchid and freesia. The drydown consists of amber, cashmere wood and patchouli.
Perfect with chicken or seafood or to drink on its own as a light appetiser.
The people who write this stuff are the true literary geniuses of the planet. And apparently, "Bond Girl 007 is housed in a sleek, seductive bottle reminiscent of a woman's body."
It looks like a dildo.
If I was a woman, and hopefully I never will be, and some bloke gave me a bottle of Bond Girl 007, I would A) pour half of it down the toilet, then B) put the rest of it in his dinner.
The next advert was the Cillit Bang ad with the teenage girl having dirty socks because the floor wasn't clean. How far are we from Bond, James Bond, appearing magically in some woman's kitchen saying, "Dirty shocks? You need all-new Jamesh Bond Shillet Bang..."?
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