the state of things

 

World Famous Crime Author Has "Nothing To Say"

by Elvis Shackleton - 09:12 on 25 March 2009

In shock news today, world famous crime author Douglas Lindsay had nothing to say, and for the second day running did not post a new blog on his website. Millions of fans were left heart-broken and disappointed when they logged onto the site to find the same rubbish had been posted for the third day running.

"I'm shocked," claimed upset mother of three, Imelda Birgitte, 41. "I can't believe he has nothing to say, again. I mean, like, nothing... This is terrible."

Whilst initially avoiding from the media, Lindsay was eventually contacted by a reporter from the Associated Press. When asked if fans should read anything into this silence, he said, "It is what it is."

This is not the first time that Lindsay has gone consecutive days without saying anything. In August last year he went the entire month without writing or uttering anything whatsoever, an event that commentators say may have presaged the start of the world financial crisis.

Ban Ki-Moon, international fixer and head of the United Nations, has called on Lindsay to end the two day silence. "This is not acceptable,' said Ki-Moon, 93, from his Manhattan penthouse apartment. "These are dark days for the world, and everyone must accept their responsibilities, including this bloke who I've never heard of."

President Barack Obama, 34, temporary leader of the free world was equally dismayed. "I am out there busting my buns for the planet, and what is this guy doing? Nothing. Not a damned thing. Like, what is he saying? That he has no opinion on the Credit Crunch? No opinion on the war in Afghanistan? No opinion on Tom Brady's knee? The new Dylan album? I mean, what is the matter with the guy? It's a big amazing, colourful, eclectic world out there, and this guy can't think of anything to say about it. What a schmuck."

A variety of rumours continue to fly around hyperspace concerning this bizarre extended silence from the man once dubbed The Greatest Blogger Of All Time. One popular theory is that he has been kidnapped by aliens and replaced by a witless and untalented doppelganger. But as Jay Leno said on TV last night, "Yeah, sure that happened.... before he started writing books."

Commentators are saying that if Lindsay does not return to blogging soon it may be too late. "This is a fast-paced world," said Blog Expert Tony Tuck, 19, from Ann Arbour. "People move on, fads come and go, in seconds. This guy better watch out, because if he doesn't get back in the game soon he's going to be forgotten about. Or worse."

Douglas Lindsay is 57.


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