the state of things

 

Dow Closes Up 1.17% at 7,749.81 Despite Author's Continued Absence

by Elvis Shackleton - 08:24 on 26 March 2009

In financial news, yesterday the Dow Jones continued its moderate rally of recent weeks, despite the continued no-show from Blogging Uber-Genius, Douglas Lindsay. Today sees the third day running when Lindsay has had nothing to sayTM. Market analysts continue to show concerns that if Lindsay does not voluntarily end his drought, the free-market economy of the western world, already on a very shaky peg, might completely collapse.

"What this guy fails to realise," said veteran Wall Street analyst Jacob Canon, 76, "is that everything in life is connected. Everything. It's Speergberger's Law of Cause and Effect. He doesn't write his blog, people have nothing to laugh about, they get depressed, they spend more money they don't have in order to cheer themselves up, and probably on cheap foreign imported goods that don't help anyone, so they get into debt, they go bankrupt... It's a vicious circle, but it ain't no chicken and egg type situation. No one's asking who's to blame? It is clearly, and unequivocally Lindsay's fault."

Lindsay's popular Lost In Juarez blog, which has been voted by blog-readers Blog Most Likely To Make Me Feel Chipper for 15 years running, now seems to be on its last legs. Commentators are wondering whether Lindsay has finally lost his mojo, after years of Lindsay about to lose his mojo rumours. Other, more optimistic Blog Experts, are speculating that Lindsay is planning something major, and that he will be back soon with a bigger, even more exciting blog.

One such Blog Expert is Danny Prejudice, 23, from Seattle. "This guy does not just down tools and walk away. I think we can expect something pretty awesome from him in the next few days or weeks. Something that's not just funny, but, like, you know, insightful and stuff."

For the time being, however, the markets remain sceptical, and questions are being asked on Capitol Hill and in the Houses of Parliament. "As long as there are those who continue to see this as the most dangerous threat to the stability of western society since the Cuban missile crisis, no one can really sleep soundly in their bed at night," added Canon darkly.

A family source close to Lindsay, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said late last night, "My dad? He's a writer? Who knew? I thought he was just this miserable bloke who shouts a lot."


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