the state of things
Barney Thomson & The Westminster Christmas Massacre
by Douglas Lindsay - 11:05 on 24 November 2009
Times are hard for the Prime Minister of Great Britain & Northern Ireland. Rising unemployment, rising flood waters, struggling economy, the Iraq War enquiry, underfunded troops in Afghanistan, an unwinnable war with no clear mission, power quickly bleeding away to Brussels, uncontrollable personal nasal hair issues, trailing badly in the polls to an old Etonian that people would normally avoid like the plague but will go to in an any-old-port-in-a-storm situation, continuing banking crises, dated infrastructure, struggling health service, crumbled and wasted housing market, highest rate of teenage pregnancy in Europe, highest rate of teenage binge drinking in Europe, teenage joblessness and drug-taking spiralling out of control, the Sun newspaper correcting his spelling and... on top of all that, Katie Price has left the jungle, and is rumoured to be starting her own political party to challenge the PM in Labour's voting heartland, readers of the Daily Mirror.
However, despite all the evidence to the contrary, the Prime Minister is not stupid. He knows that what the British People need more than anything else, is a Prime Minister with really good hair, 24/7.
Some say that good hair twenty-four hours a day is an impossibility. Some say that it is the ultimate superpower, more valuable than the ability to fly, fire spider webs, create ice or lift really heavy planets. But there are some who know the true secret to 24/7 good hair...
Call for Barney Thomson, the most famous barber on Earth.
However, the hiring of Barney Thomson inevitably comes at a cost, as death, murder, mayhem, body parts, freezers full of meat, severed heads and bloody massacre follow Barney around like a lost puppy. However, the Prime Minister is desperate and prepared to take the chance. The decision is taken at Cabinet, and Barney Thomson is summoned from the sleepy backwater of Millport on the isle of Cumbrae, to work at Downing Street in the lead up to Christmas, as the PM prepares to call an early snap election, to head Katie Price off at the pass.
However, the biggest scandal of the year is about to come back and bite the Palace of Westminster firmly on the bottom. A backbench MP, lurking in the Commons, already forced to stand down at the next election, and now fearful that not only is he going to have to repay upwards of £200,000 in fraudulent expenses, but that he might also be imprisoned, decides to give the Commons a small, but murderous, distraction.
And so, as Barney Thomson arrives in London on a £15,000/hour contract to help revive the PM's flagging electoral chances, and as the bells of Advent ring out through the city, London once more falls prey to a serial killer, as the deranged MP goes on a bloody rampage through the Houses of Parliament...
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