the state of things

 

Target Setting For The Forthcoming Pre-Christmas Period

by Douglas Lindsay - 10:49 on 27 October 2010

Here at Long Midnight Publishing Central HQ, everyone is getting ready for the next big push towards world domination. Yet, while other megalithic publishing powerhouses never sleep, working continuously to entrap the unsuspecting book buyer and to subvert the free world, here at LMP we take a more easy-going approach and, like a collective of laid back little Fonzies, coolly close the whole business down for the duration of the school holidays.


Nevertheless, as this current half-term meanders to a conclusion, and the last of summer is damned to a frosty grave, as autumn sweeps over the land with the decaying force of the armies of Hell, and as the birds migrate south and the drunks in the back field migrate to the pub, and as the rose withers and dies on the vine and the leaves of autumn shroud the grasslands in death, here at LMP it is time to start setting targets for the forthcoming pre-Christmas period.


In a previous life, working for the Ministry of Defence and being subjected to months of interference from the consultants of KPMG - or "wankers" to give them their technical name - I have been instructed in the complicated dark arts of target setting, smiley faces and mini Mars Bars reward giving. So at the recently-concluded LMP Autumn Retreat in Bandar Seri Begawan, we set the following targets for the forthcoming period, with all outrageous and downturn-busting bonuses attached to any potential successful conclusion to said targets being met.


Stretch Target:


Complete dominion over the whole planet, myself installed as Emperor King, and the installation of a worldwide system of government based on blood sacrifice.


Hard Targets:


All seven Barney Thomson books in the Nielsen BookScan Top 10 (Currently none in the Top 100,000)


Barney Thomson books accounting for 75% of all sales on Amazon Kindle (Currently 0.0067713%)


More Twitter followers than Stephen Fry (Current figures: Stephen Fry 1,899,013; Me 12)


21 Years On The Back of Dixie Klondyke's Spanish Guitar quickly installed as the best-selling crime novel of 2010


Successful hostile takeovers of HarperCollins, GlaxoSmithKline and News Corporation.


Soft Targets


Get up in the morning


Eat toast


Breathe


Like, watch TV and stuff


It's going to be a rollercoaster autumn season. Stay tuned, as the gang at Long Midnight Publishing plough headlong towards winter in the show they're calling "the most dramatic reality internet publishing sensation since the King James translation of the Bible".


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