the state of things


Publishing World In Crisis As Author Postpones Online Novel

by LMP Beat Reporter, Eldon Crayfish - 14:09 on 06 June 2011

The world of publishing today crashed helplessly into a tailspin of abject, defenestrated gut-spewing abomination as Scottish crime writer and bestselling author of the self-help book The Visigoths Are Back, And This Time They're A Washing Up Liquid, Douglas Lindsay, announced to a packed news conference here in Bandar Sera Begawan that he was postponing the online publication of his forthcoming novel, The Strange Case of Dolores Mockingbird.

The whole of the publishing business had been riding on a high since the announcement that the novel was due to begin on Monday 13th June, with book sales up over 1500% in all formats for virtually every author alive or dead in human history. 'That's the kind of effect that one of Lindsay's online novels can have,' said Marcus Buckweed, current head of Waterstones Sales & Marketing Division. 'People hear that Lindsay's going to be writing one of his legendary online daily novels, and they just go wild for books. All kinds of books. It's like literature porn.'

Shares in Long Midnight Publishing crashed to an all time low of $0.00000000000000001 on the back of the news, with other publishers faring almost as poorly.

'It's like that movie, 2012,' said one publishing insider. 'Except there ain't no boats in the Himalayas, only tears, and we're all fucked.'

It is believed that Lindsay has postponed publication in order to concentrate on finishing off the crime novel he's currently writing, and while industry pundits are already calling this book 'potentially the finest crime novel ever written in the history of mankind,' others point to the fact that it could be next year, if not 2013, before it finally sees the light of day.

In these moments of darkness, terror and cataclysm for the publishing business, that may be just not soon enough. With no new date given for the beginning of publication for The Strange Case of Dolores Mockingbird, it could well be that the world is doomed and we're all going to die.

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