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5 Items About To Be Declared Vegetables In Scotland

by Douglas Lindsay - 18:03 on 18 November 2011

The Scotsman are reporting that the Scottish government are taking great interest in this week's decision by the US House of Congress to declare pizza a vegetable, and see this as a good opportunity for Scotland to rid itself of its image as the unhealthy food capital of the world. Consequently, moves are now afoot to declare a variety of substances in Scotland as vegetables, so that the Scottish public can be seen to be increasing their intake of healthy food.

Legislation is expected to be in place by Christmas to classify the following as vegetables in Scotland:

5 FISH SUPPERS: The presence of potatoes and the fact that the whole thing is submerged in vegetable oil, makes this one a no-brainer. Government scientists are ready to declare the fish supper officially the healthiest takeaway food in the world.

4 ICE CREAM: Full of creamy and sugary goodness, Scottish government boffins are baffled why this food would ever have been considered unhealthy in the first place. Ice cream's three main ingredients - sugar, cream and egg yolks - are each either produced directly from plants, or come from animals that eat plants. Or other stuff. Using the latest technological advancements, scientists now say that if a food can be produced in less than ten basic manipulative steps from the original fresh organic vegetable, it too can be classified as healthy and one of your five a day.

3 CHOCOLATE: Scientists have been claiming for years that regardless of the constituent components of any chocolate bar, any detrimental effects to your health are overcome by the positive effect that it has on your mental well being. 'In this respect, chocolate is without doubt the healthiest food currently known to man,' said Holyrood uber-boffin, Professor Plum, speaking from the library, with a candlestick. 'Eating a quality chocolate bar is the equivalent of having three orgasms. Or so I'm told.' It is thought that parliament will pass legislation that classifies any food that is proven to be good for you, as a vegetable.

2 BUCKFAST TONIC WINE: Vegetables such as red peppers are red. So is the monks' finest. The similarities do not end there, although, sadly, the explanation from Holyrood does. Scientists are expected, however, to lean heavily on the argument that since the average bottle of Buckie is neither animal nor mineral, it must be vegetable. This argument, however, will open up the possibility of all manner of items - including bagpipes, the Daily Record and Dundee - being declared vegetables.

1 DAVID CAMERON: The SNP have long thought that Eton-educated English politicians were vegetables, and from now on it will be official. The Scotsman reports that while it is unlikely that Scots will be encouraged to actually eat David Cameron, the police and courts in Scotland would be prepared to look kindly upon anyone who tries.

Government officials are hoping that the new measures will help increase Scottish life expectancy from the current levels of 36 for women and 19 for men.


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