the state of things

 

A PLAGUE OF CROWS On Verge Of Omnipotence

by Elvis Shackleton - 22:29 on 20 October 2013

With queues of excited book-buyers circling online bookshops up and down the country, with the stock markets poised to leap exponentially off the scale, with billions of readers around the world about to be transported into a new dimension of infamous torment, and with governments across the globe on the verge of declaring week-long holidays in its honour, Friday will finally see the release of Douglas Lindsay's A PLAGUE OF CROWS, the book that critics are already calling 'Silence of the Lambs meets The House At Pooh Corner'.

Now, Blasted Heath, in association with Long Midnight Publishing, the Ministry of Pencils and Jane's Small Dead Animals Inc. announce a series of promotional offers, novelty tie-ins and media events, intended to propel author Lindsay, 49, to the forefront of international superstardom. In the next few weeks, excited fans of Lindsay can anticipate the following:

  • limited edition leather-bound, diamond encrusted copies of A Plague Of Crows, retailing at £17,000 each. There will also be a Super Limited Edition Extra edition, personally signed by the author, with one of the author's vital organs woven into the fabric of the book, retailing at £29,500.
  • a 16-month official Douglas Lindsay calendar, featuring full colour official photographs of Douglas water skiing, Douglas dressed as a hobbit, Douglas playing golf, Douglas naked on the beach, and many, many more.
  • in association with DKNY, an all-new Plague of Crows fragrance FOR MEN. The scent is a sexy cocktail of velvety feathers, birds' nests and warm twigs. It features top notes of blue orchid and black pearl, followed by mid-notes of jasmine, road kill and patchouli. The drydown consists of oak, squirrel droppings and dead bird.
  • a 300-night concert tour, beginning at Wembley Stadium, and culminating in a multiverse, pan-dimensional one man show, performed at Madison Square Garden and broadcast simultaneously to every domain throughout all time.
  • an exclusive set of his & hers Douglas Lindsay egg cups
  • limited edition DS Thomas Hutton chocolate bars
  • limited edition DS Thomas Hutton handcuffs and thong

'This is what publishing is all about,' says Professor Malcolm Connery, of the Glasgow Institute of Historical Inaccuracy. 'Moments like these. This is the French revolution meets the rape of Carthage.'

It is now over seventeen months since Lindsay was sighted in his home country, but with excitement growing, and with middle-aged women queuing up to scream in loud voices at his arrival, the UK is only days away from the return of the man they call, 'that bloke who wrote the thing.'


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