Could Maria Sharapova Just Shut The Fuck Up?

Added on 29 June 2011

Last year we didn't really watch Wimbledon in our house because the World Cup was on at the same time and, despite the fact that the World Cup was played by pouting over-paid theatrical diving wankers in purple shoes, and despite the fact that bizarrely Scotland weren't there, football must triumph over tennis. This year, with no such distraction, Wimbledon has been on our TV every day. Mostly, however, with the sound turned down.

Yesterday Maria Sharapova won her quarter-final match in about twelve minutes, only losing two games on the way. The match reports are full of how wonderfully she played, and how she's the favourite etc etc. None stated that the main reason she won is because she screams like she's in the Psycho shower scene every time she hits the ball, and her opponent - although no stranger to a gasp herself - was obviously one of those who walks out onto court thinking, 'Don't be distracted by the stupid scream, don't be distracted by the stupid scream, don't be distracted by the stupid scream…' and is consequently horribly distracted by the stupid scream.

Her next opponent should come up with some equally annoying trait with which to counteract the Sharapova screech, such as wearing a clown's hat, or shouting 'You cannot be serious' every time she hits a ball, or singing Nessun Dorma every time Sharapova is just about to play a shot, and then when Sharapova complains, the umpire could just look at her with complete disdain.

The basic answer, wherein she elects to stop screaming of her own volition, is probably not going to happen. Action needed to be taken at a much earlier stage. The first time she did it her dad or her mum or her coach or just anyone really needed to stop, look at her in a curious and slightly concerned way, and say, 'What in the name of all fuck was that?' Might have embarrassed her into silence. Might not.

When her tennis career finally ends she can probably get a job doing voiceover work for a certain type of movie. The certain type of movie would be either:

a) porn

b) wildlife documentary

c) slasher

or

d) all of the above combined

Should she get to the final, and look like she's about to win - because she's managed to distract her opponent with the stupid screaming - the crowd should wait until the changeover before the final game, and then file out in an orderly manner in protest. Then when she wins Wimbledon, there could be one designated person left in the crowd to offer desultory applause. Scream at that, Maria.

Margaret Court and Virginia Wade and all that lot didn't scream. It's just another example of society being let loose and going too far. Anything goes in these outrageous, secular times. There's no happy medium of course. Some folks will think society isn't liberal enough yet, while others think it had already gone too far when Elvis was in black and white. Some people probably think it's going too far to put the word fuck in a blog heading.

Soon enough, as may have been mentioned on here in the past, society will go too far, completely implode, nations will fall, civilisation will collapse and we'll all die. And, as Maria Sharapova watches the destruction of ten thousand years of human civilisation from the trailer of her Azerbaijani bestial horror porn flic, she can reflect on the small part she played in its demise.