Mama Always Said Crimefest Was Like A Box Of Chocolates

Added on 19 May 2011

Crimefest starts today in Bristol. I'm up for two panels tomorrow morning. One of those rare occasions when I get let out in public and everyone nods sagely and understands why I don't do it more often. I'll have that internal monologue going that says, 'Now remember, when someone asks you a questio...

In The Name of Fuck

Added on 18 May 2011

Can't help but notice that on the days when I put the word fuck in a blog heading I get more readers. All right, yesterday I used the word fuckbucketing, but it's a fairly clear derivative. No one looks at fuckbucketing and thinks, hmm, nice word, and clean... The time has come for the word fuck. T...

An Instantly Forgettable, Droning Slice Of Fuckbucketing Crap

Added on 17 May 2011

This is a brief summary of a report that I've just submitted to the BBC entitled, The Way Forward: How Britain Can Triumph In The Eurovision Song Contest. In the interests of transparency it is beholden upon me to note that I wrote the report in my capacity as CEO Long Midnight Consultancy, and that...

Fan Outrage As The Shack Bags A One-Way Ticket To Deathsville

Added on 14 May 2011

There have been, understandably, a lot of questions in the press this past week or so on the matter of Elvis Shackleton’s death in a freak moon landing accident. Why Did Elvis Have To Die? screamed the Sun on Monday morning. Fan Outrage as The Shack Bags A One-Way Ticket To Deathsville said t...

How To Write A Novel #36

Added on 13 May 2011

The essence of writing any novel, as discussed in parts 1-35, is making shit up. The question is, in what order do you make shit up? With crime and mystery novels, and no doubt a variety of other genres, there are always things going on that the reader isn't meant to understand. Someone does someth...