Another Christmas Song Polemic
21 December 2008
In a hundred years from now my biographers will describe the incident that happened today at 1:32 in the local supermarket in the following manner.
It was a Sunday like any other final Sunday before Christmas. Complete Hell. Lindsay’s kids were driving him nuts, and the happy facade which he presented to the world was beginning to crumble. In a desperate bid to escape the prison of his home, with his warring kids filling the air with screaming, cackling pre-yuletide insanity, Lindsay took the short drive to the local supermarket to buy something for that night’s dinner. Contemporary accounts point to there having been plenty of food in the house, so clearly Lindsay was a man on the edge. Why else would a grown man choose to go shopping?
Lindsay shopped in a calm and controlled manner. He bought bananas, apples, milk and a chicken. Some reports have even suggested that he bought a packet of 10 toilet rolls and some shower gel. However, despite his outwardly calm appearance, something was clearly bothering Lindsay. The supermarket, a simple grocers if ever there was one, was playing dumb ass Christmas music. In his first fifteen minutes in the shop he had heard Wonderful Christmastime, Last Christmas, Jingle Bell Rock and I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day. He was beginning to crack under the pressure, snapping at the Cheese Counter Woman, because the Irish cheddar was absurdly expensive, and growling at two passing children who weren’t even his own. Then at 1:32pm came the straw which broke the metaphorical camel of despair. The dire strains of Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas faded off into the wilderness of supermarket musical abyss, and then it started. Winter Wonderland sung by Alvin & The Chipmunks.
It was now that Lindsay finally cracked. Grabbing a machine gun from one of the guards, he started firing randomly at all the loud speakers. As concerned shoppers backed away from him, saying, ‘Who is that crazy dude?’ Lindsay ran amok through the shop, taking out every piece of electrical equipment to ensure that the music that was driving him so insane would finally be silenced.
His aim wasn’t too good. After twenty minutes he had finally taken out both speakers, and Alvin & The Chipmunks would be heard in that shop no more. Upon realising that Lindsay was in fact trying to do them all a favour, the other shoppers had started to give him gentle words of encouragement, whilst at the same time continuing with their festive consumerism.
Finally, when the gun was out of ammunition, and the only sound was the gentle clink of jars of pickle being placed into the bottom of near-empty shopping trolleys, the police arrived and Lindsay was taken into custody. Again.
All right, none of that happened, although my biography would be far more interesting if there was that kind of machine-gun grabbing, anti-Christmas music detail to be included.
Someone, somewhere, someone in charge, needs to introduce a No Christmas Music - Or Any Other Christmas-Type Promotion - Until December 24th. Instead, with the world’s economy being stiff-armed by the greedmongers of the financial world, and the Next Great Depression encircling the globe faster than the fallout from Chernobyl, it’s more likely that next year, and as progressive years go by, it will get worse and worse. Soon enough we will be getting limited edition Christmas KitKats in May, adverts featuring Santa Claus at Easter and it really will be Christmas Every Day.
If it’s not oxymoronical to quote a Christmas song in an anti-Christmas song polemic.... the Christmas we get we deserve...