Bloody Cling Film Napper Heads Into Trouble
29 April 2011
He was supposed to be the new face of Barney Thomson. He was supposed to be the face that would lead the marketing campaign that would lead the series of barbershop death junkie novels to become the most famous, widely-read and talked about crime series in the history of time and space. Instead, less than twenty-four hours since the Bloody Head Wrapped in Cling Film was launched as the Face of Barney Thomson, cracks have already begun to appear in the campaign and commentators have begun to talk about the possibility that he will be sensationally dropped. Incredibly, rumours are already circulating on the internet and in the City of London that the replacement might well be a woman.
'It's political correctness gone mad,' one insider told the Daily Mail this afternoon. 'You can't have a woman on the cover of a Barney Thomson novel. It'd be like having a female king.'
Initially there was great excitement in the City, with share values across the FTSE surging on the possibility of a resurgent Barney Thomson series taking the world of publishing by the testicles. However, that optimism has quickly soured, with claims of arguments at Long Midnight Publishing HQ, despair as The Long Midnight of Barney Thomson has continued its freefall down the world's bookseller charts, and rumours of a stand-up fight, with punches and everything, between Long Midnight supremo Elvis Shackleton and Barney Thomson creator, Douglas Lindsay.
Then just this afternoon images began to emerge of the new female face of Barney Thomson, despite several insiders remaining adamant that it will never happen.
'We won't see a female Barney Thomson in our lifetime,' said one source with intimate knowledge of the situation. 'And to be honest, I'm not even sure that it's a woman on the cover. The whole thing is simply preposterous.'
At this stage it is unclear what the future holds for The Bloody Head Wrapped in Cling Film, although it might be too early to write him off just yet. 'Even if he doesn't make it as the face of Barney Thomson, there could be a job for him on the cover of a Stuart MacBride,' said one commentator, who wished to remain anonymous.