In Conversation With Elvis Shackleton #341

Added on 22 March 2011

In the latest of their popular series of Conversation Pieces, Douglas Lindsay talks to Long Midnight Publishing Marketing Supremo, Elvis Shackleton:

Elvis Shackleton: We may as well start with the news that everyone's talking about. Is it true that this is likely to be your last blog for, what some people in the media are calling, six days?

Douglas Lindsay: Elvis, you know how it is, man. I'm afraid so.

ES: Say it ain't so!

DL: I can't.

ES: What are you thinking? These are dark and dangerous times; the world, again, stands on the brink of war. With your blog translated into 732 languages, and with over three billion people worldwide reading your every word, some seasoned and respected commentators are of the opinion that you pretty much, single-handedly, keep the world marginally on the right side of sanity. How can you take five days off?

DL: Need to go to Scotland for a couple of things.

ES: Ah. And they don't have the internet up there yet?

DL: Technology is patchy.

ES: OK. So let's focus on what kind of things you'll be doing when you get back? What's on the agenda for next week?

DL: There's the new crime novel, which isn't coming on as fast as I'd like, but I'm probably half way through by now.

ES: How's it shaping up?

DL: Too early to say, but I think it might be the best one ever. Or the worst one ever. Obviously, though, with the world now having modern 21st century values, it can't be anywhere in the middle.

ES: And the trip to Mars?

DL: Well, I think I speak for both of us when I say that it's become a daily part of life. The diet, the exercise, the technical study, watching old episodes of Star Trek and 1950's B-movies. It's getting to be full on, and I'm sure we'll be ready for Mars 2013 when the time comes.

ES: Anything else keeping you awake at night?

DL: Well, there's my new campaign to keep adjectives off food packaging. Adjectives on food packaging are unnecessary and pose one of the greatest threats to the future of civilisation.

ES: I'm sure we all know what you mean... What do you mean exactly?

DL: Consider buying carrots in Tesco. On the packet they're described as Crunchy Carrots. What other kinds of carrots are there, for crying out loud? Fetid Decomposing Rancid Soft Carrots anyone? Of course they're fucking crunchy, they're carrots! It's the implication that this kind of thing happens on a Sunday morning:

Shopper A: Fancy some carrots with roast lunch?

Shopper B: Nah.

Shopper A: They're crunchy!

Shopper B: Well, fuck yeah! Why didn't you say?

It's one of the fundamental laws of society. Treat people like idiots and they will turn into idiots. That's what's happening. Society is going to the dogs and we're all going to die.

ES: Because of Tesco carrots?

DL: Now you're putting words in my mouth.

ES: I'm going to get some coffee. Aromatic, flavoursome coffee it says on the packet.