Jenson Button, What Have You Done?
14 April 2011
The birth of the lad Two of Two has, until the past week, been defined by the fact that he was born in the same hospital as Jenson Button. I used to say that he was born in the same bed, because you never know, the chances aren't that astronomical. When introducing him to new people I'd say, 'This is Two of Two. A likely lad and no mistake. Born in the same bed as Jenson Button, you know. Practically has the same motor racing genes.'
That was, as I said, until last week. Because until last week, Jenson was the epitome of cool. He's a World F1 Champion, it might happen again and it might not, but he's still one of the top 5 for this year and if someone can banjo Sebastian Vettel over the napper during a race, Jenson might even get the chance to win one of them. And he's a good looking lad. Even I, someone who views men as sweaty hairy monstrous beasts, can recognise that. Presumably he's well off, and presumably he now lives somewhere much more exotic than Frome.
Sadly, this Goliath of cool has completely blown it in one thirty second advert spot. Jenson Button Limited Edition Head & Shoulders Shampoo. Words fail me.
Actually, to be honest, words don't fail me. What the screaming mother of fuck was he thinking? It's bad enough agreeing to make an advert written by the worst wanking spunk-brained copywriting fuckwit to ever spew his marketing shit over a TV screen, but then to agree to a limited edition shampoo. Limited Edition? Shampoo? Think Peter Kay and garlic bread. What a load of complete and utter gargantuan pile of fetid pish! Couldn't he have been the face of a motor oil or brake fluid? Or an internet porn site? Just something not so damned uncool.
He's ruined it for them all, all F1 drivers. They are, after all, an extraordinary collective. At the weekend they had a puff piece about one of the drivers and they showed the training they go through. It's pretty much the kind of thing that Yoda makes Luke do in Empire.
There are so many controls on a Formula 1 car these days it's like flying a 747, but there's no easy autopilot bit in the middle where you get served a sandwich and a bag of peanuts. It's like you're landing a 747 for two hours, but you're landing your 747 while trying to overtake another 747 and at the same time having to pay attention to the fact that Alonso's driving his 747 up your backside. They are the most extraordinary skilled and talented Jedi-like people on earth. Except apparently, up until last week, when Jenson was approaching a corner at 150mph, a hundred different knobs and buttons and computer pieces of statistical analysis flashing at him, what he was actually thinking was, 'It's going to be like so embarrassing, when I have to like, take off my balaclava and shit...'
Today, while out promenading through town with Two of Two, I had this conversation with a chap we met in the queue for Gregg's.
Chap: Ah, this'll be Two of Two. Getting big. How many years is it now since you were born in the same bed as Head & Shoulders Corporate Spokesperson Jenson ButtonTM?
Two of Two blanched and looked at me to take up the conversation.
Me: Jenson Button? No, you're mixing him up with one of his mates. Two of Two here was born in the same hospital as... Sarah Palin.
Chap: Ah. Could be worse...
A lucky escape.