Lisbon

Added on 04 November 2009

With nothing now standing in the way of the ratification of the Lisbon Treaty, and Europe on the verge of becoming a giant Soviet-style dictatorship ruled by an un-elected president from his castle in the heart of Transylvania, speculation is mounting about which politicians are in the frame to become European Dictator For Life. Here, Elvis Shackleton, discusses the issue with Long Midnight Publishing's Political Director, Douglas Lindsay, while addressing rumours that Lindsay himself is considering putting his own name into the hat.

ES: So, will you put your own name into the hat, or will it be a Goblet of Fire type of affair, where someone else puts your name into the hat and you don't know anything about it?

DL: My people are working on it. I can't say anything else at the moment.

ES: Typical hysterical press reporting in Britain this morning. The Telegraph says, Power drains away to EU as treaty gets go-ahead... The Sun barks Signed. Sealed. Delivered. Up yours! The Express, for once ignoring the fact that Princess Diana is still dead, leads with Britain: The End. It all sounds so apocalyptic.  Speaking as a Westminster insider, just how far off the scale do you think these reports are?

DL: Not even remotely off the scale. I think they've got it exactly right. This is the end of Britain as we know it.

ES: And do you think that's a bad thing?

DL: Look, everyone's talking about the General Election next year and how there's going to a hung parliament, or a big Tory majority. But here's the thing... there's not even going to be an election. We won't have a government anymore. MP's expenses? There aren't going to be MPs. It's all over. But consider this, on the plus side it means there won't be an election and there won't be any MPs.

ES: And on the negative?

DL: Well, currently I live in Somerset. There's not going to be a Somerset anymore. We're going to be in district W49. And all able-bodied men will be forced to work down the cheese mines for a standard minimum wage. At least we'll get free vodka.

ES: You paint a bleak picture.

DL: We're all doomed. There's no point in trying to cover it up.

ES: So, seriously, what about the rumours that you're putting yourself forward to be President of the European Council.

DL: Yes, they're true. I'm sounding out my contacts in Brussels, and in Berlin and Paris, see the lay of the land.

ES: Apart from yourself, who do you see as the main challengers for the position? Tony Blair?

DL: Well, yes, Blair I suppose. After all, he's the man who got elected on a promise of a referendum on the Treaty, and then backtracked; he took us into war in Iraq after manipulating and fabricating evidence; so naturally he would make the perfect figurehead for a shadowy operation with no accountability that intends to crush democratic freedoms, impose totalitarian rule from the centre, create a new tax on chocolate and ban the Muppets.

ES: Anyone else?

DL: Well there's talk that some people who aren't British might have a chance, but I wouldn't know anything about that.

ES: If you don't run, who would you vote for?

DL: Well, that's the point. No one gets to vote.

ES: If, hypothetically, you had a vote, for whom would you cast that vote? I think your readers would like to know.

DL: I think, probably, James McFadden deserves to get it for that goal against France.