Lost in Space

Added on 08 June 2010

When I log into the bowels of this website, there's a page which reports how visitors come by the site. So when someone puts "Barney books" or some such into Google, and stumbles across me, I know about it. (I don't know who it is, just that on a particular day someone found the site by that means.) 

Just over a year ago I wrote a blog about a giant Pedigree Chum poster in Warsaw, featuring a male dog with a proportionately enormous phallus. I used the expression Dog Dildo... Since then at least three people have found this site by putting "dog dildo" into Google. (I don't look at it every day, so it may be many more.)

Dog dildo... Just think about that for a few moments. Visualise.

I can think of three likely options of what these people are actually searching for.

1. A dildo for their dog. They are either going to use it on their dog, or they will affix the dildo to the wall or settee or some such, and allow the dog to pleasure itself. That sounds pretty weird, but you know, there's weirder shit than that in life. People do all sorts of weird stuff to dogs - especially rich people with nothing else to do - so there probably is a contingent who like to give their dog absolutely everything.

2. It's a woman (or discerning gentleman) wishing to pleasure themselves with a dildo shaped after the fashion of a dog's penis.

That's, you know, something that might happen sometimes.

Or:

3. They're not looking for a dog dildo of any fashion, and in fact dog dildo is code for something completely different. Some cool street name for something, that I'm just too middle-aged and uncool to know about. It's a drug or a motorbike or a particular variety of Fair Trade banana. If that's the case, I'm happy to remain ignorant.

I expect I'm going to get even more of the dog dildo traffic now that I've just written a blog about it, in which I've used the term dog dildo seven times. And I expect they're going to be pretty disappointed when they read this... But keep looking, I'm sure there's a proper dog dildo site out there somewhere.

Eight times.