Man In 'Seed In Seedless Grape' Horror
17 March 2011
Details are emerging of an horrific incident in Somerset.
A quiet town - where the peace is usually only ever disturbed by film and television crews, or by the shouting of drunks on the recreation ground - was this morning thrown into turmoil when reports emerged that a resident of the town had found a seed inside what the outside packaging had identified as being a seedless grape.
The incident happened at just after 7:33am, and the man immediately called the police, the fire brigade and an ambulance. 'This is why we have the emergency services,' said Commander Potter of Somerset Fire Service. 'You just don't know what life is going to throw at you.'
Details are sketchy at this stage, but it is not thought that the man ate the seed. Nevertheless, certain death was not far away, and reports indicate that the man will now be seeking recompense through the courts.
Next door neighbour, Mervyn Turnpike, witnessed nothing, but was keen to speak to journalists anyway. 'It's an absolute disgrace,' he said. When pushed on what exactly was a disgrace he was unable to say, but then listed at least fifteen things which he currently considers to be disgraceful.
Following the incident the man went into hiding, although reports suggest that he has already sold the full story to the Sun newspaper, the book rights to HarperCollins, and the screen option to Working Title. Although it is at least seven years before the movie is likely to enter development hell, early reports indicate that the man will be played by Jude Law, and the seed by Kate Moss.
The man, while not wishing to be named, later this morning issued a statement through his lawyer. It read: 'I'm just a simple man going about simple things. I was making a bowl of home made muesli, as instructed by Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, when the horrific incident occurred. I cannot believe that this has happened. Previously I had always thought that the supermarket where I purchased the grape was good. With Food. Now I'm not so sure. It's an absolute disgrace, and I believe it is perfectly legitimate for me to seek a sum of £800billion in court. For, you know, like stress and stuff.'
Lifestyle critics are already questioning whether the grape seed incident marks the beginning of the end of civilisation. 'If they can't even manipulate foodstuffs, what hope is there for the rest of society?' asked lifestyle guru Poppy Worthingthon.
When pushed to provide further explanation of the incident, a spokesperson for the supermarket said, 'What?'