30 Newspaper Headlines From Barney Thomson Novels
Added on 17 February 2014
As the fan of Douglas Lindsay’s Barney Thomson series is aware, a staple of any Barney novel is the newspaper headlines. Some call it incredible comic and satirical invention; some say it’s the desperate gimmick of a despairing writer searching for jokes in the trough of his own atrophied imagination.
Here Elvis Shackleton suggests 30 of the best.
30.
DOG WITH TRANSPLANTED HEAD OF DEAD
IBROX LEGEND IS NEW RANGERS SIGNING TARGET
Evening Times
29.
MASSIVE OIL DEPOSITS DISCOVERED IN ZIMBABWE,
US SENDS TROOPS TO OUST MUGABE
The Mail
28.
IT TURNS OUT SPYING IS IN GCHQ’S JOB
DESCRIPTION, GUARDIAN TO APOLOGISE
The Guardian
27.
SADAT ASSASSINATION – THOMSON ACCUSED
The Times
26.
KILLER BARBER IN INCREDIBLE CAPTAIN DEATH
HEAD-SLASH THRILLER
The Daily Record
25.
HE’S A KILLER ALL RIGHT,
BUT IS HE ALSO AN ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT?
The Mail
24.
NORTH-EAST MAN FINDS STONE IN PEACH
The Aberdeen Press & Journal
23.
NORTH EAST MAN GROWS POTATOES
The Aberdeen Press & Journal
22.
BIG BROTHER’S MALKY TO TAKE IT
UP THE ARSE IN LIVE TV FIRST SHOCKER!
The Mirror
21
HEAD IN RUBBISH WINS TURNER PRIZE
The Times
20.
BARNEY THOMSON QUITS TORIES
The Guardian
19.
‘I SHAGGED SURVIVOR BABE’
CLAIMS RANGERS ACE
The Daily Record
18.
‘COOL’ KILLER IN DOWNING STREET INVITE MYSTERY
The Mirror
17.
FIRST MINISTER TO PUSH FOR
DERBY IN NEW SPRING OFFENSIVE
The Scotsman
16.
UNLUCKY BARBER ONCE MORE
CAUGHT UP IN DEATH FRENZY,
LIKELY TO BE UNFAIRLY PERSECUTED
The Telegraph
15.
THOMSON SLAUGHTERS NINETY-EIGHT
WOMEN IN TERROR WEEK
The Sun
14.
THOMSON EXPECTED TO REDUCE GLOBAL
POPULATION BY 50% IN NEXT TWENTY YEARS
The Mirror
13.
ISRAEL ‘VERY NAUGHTY’ FOR KILLING
1MILLION PALESTINIANS, SAYS BUSH
The Scotsman
12.
THAT GUY COULDN’T LACE MY
BOOTS, CLAIMS SADDAM
The Mirror
11.
BUSH ‘FORGETS’ HAWAII PART
OF U.S., NUKES HONOLULU
The Herald
10.
THOMSON FRAMED BY PORN KING
IN CAMILLA SCANDAL
The Daily Express
9.
BLAIR TO BE NEXT ‘GOD’
The Sun
8.
BARCELONA TEA LADY ON WAY TO
IBROX IN SWAP DEAL WITH AMARUSO
The Mirror
7.
MASS MILLPORT SLAUGHTER FAILS
TO STEM PLANET POPULATION GROWTH,
WORLD RUNNING OUT OF WATER
The Independent
6.
UPROAR AS BOFFINS SET
TO CLONE BARBER SURGEON
The Scotsman
5.
BLAIR SUSPENDS COMMONS
IN ‘LOGICAL’ NEXT STEP
The Daily Express
4.
HEAD IN SKIP NOT ART,
JUST GROSS, SAYS DAD
The Mirror
3.
BARNEY THOMSON WORE MY
DAUGHTER’S SKIN, CLAIMS UPSET MUM
The Sun
2.
MI6 INSIDER CLAIMS DIANA ‘STILL DEAD’
The Daily Express
1.
THE ENGLISH ARE BASTARDS
The Daily Record