BARNEY THOMSON ZOMBIE KILLER Coming To An Ebook Reader Near You For Free
12 February 2014
In news that sent the publishing world into even more paroxysms of delirium today, digital uber-publishers, Blasted Heath, recognised already by Forbes as one of the top 50 companies across all sectors on Planet Earth, announced that Douglas Lindsay's classic tale of the living dead, BARNEY THOMSON ZOMBIE KILLER, was to be made free on Kindle. As the news was released, shares in the Heath rose by over 3000% and the Governor of the Bank of England declared Britain permanently out of recession for all time.
The coalition government is in crisis, limping from one disaster to the next. The Prime Minister has a plan. Get the world's finest barber in to give him a new haircut. His defence minister, however, has an entirely different and more compelling plan. Using the all-new zombie-control gene developed by British scientists, the government will harvest an army of the living dead and use it to take over the world.
As a series of gruesome murders takes place in London, and the restless ranks of the Conservative party start to close in on a beleaguered Prime Minister, the zombie contagion is unleashed upon planet earth, the British Empire begins to expand, and Queen Victoria can at last stop turning in her grave. What could possibly go wrong?
Featuring barbershop legend Barney Thomson, murder, political intrigue, scenes of gratuitous flesh-eating, Humphrey Bogart, Satan, and the return of femme fatale Harlequin Sweetlips, BARNEY THOMSON, ZOMBIE KILLER is this year's must-read zombie political satire crime thriller comedy thing.
'These are exciting times,' said Professor Malcolm Connery this morning, from his 31st floor office in the Alex Salmond Eating And Megalomaniac Disorder Clinic. 'With the Heath making another Barney Thomson short free, it's fairly inevitable that even more fans will be attracted to the series and before you know it, we've got Harry Potter times 2,356.'
While some critics have dismissed ZOMBIE KILLER as a throwaway piece of crap, others, such as crazy people on the internet, have lauded the book as being a political satire on a par with Animal Farm, but with zombies.
While we don't yet know what kind of reaction the book is going to get this time round as it meets an entirely new audience head on, there can be little doubt that once more Barney Thomson stands like a pillar of Robert De Niros in a field of Adam Sandlers.
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EXCERPT from BARNEY THOMSON ZOMBIE KILLER:
‘The point I would make is this...’
The Prime Minister was standing at the lectern which had been set up in the corner of his office at Number 10 Downing Street, so that he could practice speeches and responses to the press. The room had been completely redecorated in the last year, the walls painted a delicious maroon and hung with portraits of the PM’s many personal heroes. Winston Churchill. Adam Smith. Bono. Michael Portillo. Princess Diana.
His only audience was Logan, his principal aide, who was listening to him without looking up, as he was quickly glancing through that morning’s newspapers. Just like the fucking Telegraph to use the phrase smoking gun, he thought.
‘Britain today has evolved into a society where we celebrate mediocrity,’ said the PM somberly. ‘We hand out A grade A levels like sweeties, we frown upon competitive school sports days, and we cheer with rapturous applause even the most dreadful contestant on Britain’s Got Talent and X-Factor. The point I would make is this. Why is it that no one is celebrating the coalition government? We have been entirely mediocre in almost everything we’ve done. We have redefined mediocrity for the 21st century...’