An Instantly Forgettable, Droning Slice Of Fuckbucketing Crap

Added on 17 May 2011

This is a brief summary of a report that I've just submitted to the BBC entitled, The Way Forward: How Britain Can Triumph In The Eurovision Song Contest. In the interests of transparency it is beholden upon me to note that I wrote the report in my capacity as CEO Long Midnight Consultancy, and that the BBC paid me the sum of £450,000. Plus expenses.

The last time the UK won the Eurovision Song Contest was two days after Tony Blair was elected as Prime Minister. Logic dictates that the two events were unconnected, although perhaps there were some in Europe who were impressed with the UK's shiny new PM, all white teeth, sharp suit, and policies vague enough to appeal to a broad spectrum.

Fourteen years later we must ask ourselves why it is that the peoples of Europe in general will not vote for us. You might well note that the songs are shite, but it's not about the songs. Not really. Everyone's songs are shite. Consider this weekend's winner. A bland piece of Euro-mince. A nothing song. Remember Dollar? This was Dollar on Prozac. An instantly forgettable, droning slice of fuckbucketing crap delivered, it should be added, horrendously off-key. Why is that that the voters of Europe took to it like a dog licking beetroot and shunned the UK's entry?

Clearly it all stems from events that began on 24th March 1999, which was when Tony Blair personally started dropping bombs on Belgrade. (Historians believe that he acted as Bomb Dropper on the first plane.) Now, we shall not concern ourselves here with the rights and wrongs of the action. The situation, of ethnic cleansing in Kosovo, sanctions against Yugolsavia etc etc is a tremendously complicated one, and we must restrict ourselves to the music and the voting.

The simple fact remains, however, that the people of Europe did not like Mr Blair taking the action to bomb another European capital, regardless of his reasoning. After long deliberation your average European citizen considered his options and decided that there was one of two ways in which they could get back at the UK:

1.  Invade Britain.

2. Never again vote for the UK in the Eurovision Song Contest.

It has become apparent over the years which action was chosen.

So, how are we, the UK, to address this awkward situation, fourteen years later? Quite simply we must perform an act of contrition. I propose that Tony Blair represent the UK at the Eurovision Song Contest 2012, where he will sing a song of apology, contrition and redemption, dressed in a mankini. The voters of Europe will laugh at him - as will we - he will receive nil points, and this act of humiliation and disgrace will help bring closure to this unpleasant period of the UK in Eurovision.

Consequently, we will be cleansed for Eurovision 2013, we return with a catchy number by Take That or The Rolling Stones, we are forgiven by Europe, and we romp to victory.

[Copies of the full 796-page report The Way Forward: How Britain Can Triumph In The Eurovision Song Contest can be purchased from BBC Broadcasting House priced £399.99]