Author With Nothing To Say Continues To Say Nothing
27 March 2009
As world famous crime author Douglas Lindsay, 54, continued to say nothing for the fourth consecutive day, the next ex-Prime Minister of Great Britain, Gordon Brown, 67, embarked on a tour of the entire known world, in a desperate last-ditch attempt to drum up international support for his latest efforts to force Lindsay to end his silence.
Speaking from his suite at a 6-star hotel in Brazil, Mr Brown said, "The British People look at me and the way that I have horrendously mishandled the British economy for nigh on twelve years now, and they ask, is he corrupt or merely incompetent? And I stand before you today to boldly announce that I am both." When pushed on the matter of Douglas Lindsay, Brown was forced to admit that he had never even heard of him.
No stranger to attempting to show leadership while lacking knowledge, Mr Brown then forged ahead with a statement outlining a raft of measures intent on getting Lindsay back on-line, including use of anti-terror legislation to freeze Lindsay's bank accounts and cut off power to his house.
Meanwhile the markets of the world continued in rollercoaster chaos as rumours of Lindsay's next big blogging venture circulated in a frenzy of hyperspace hyperbole, and investors clutched desperately to words issued by the Chairman of the Federal Reserve, Ben Bernanke, 63, stating that he believed Lindsay was on the verge of launching a new, improved, even funnier blog. "It looks like it could be the best blog ever," said Bernanke.
When asked if he was merely basing that statement on hysterical speculation, Bernanke went for coffee.
Financial experts are not entirely sure why the markets and the stable fiscal future of our entire civilisation are so linked to whether or not Lindsay continues to write a blog every day, but no one is doubting that this is the case.
"Is it weird?" said Peter Montgomery, 39, of Wall Street analysts Bickerman & Goldblat. "Hell, sure it's weird. But then so are all kinds of shit and none of them make sense either."