Luxury Blog Entry

Added on 09 September 2010

When the first whistle blows and the first ball is kicked and the first player falls to the turf faking injury at Euro 2012, and Scotland aren't there, we'll look back on Stephen McManus's 97th minute goal against Liechtenstein and realise that it didn't make any difference whatsoever.

When I'm King of Scotland, it's going to be tricky, because I'm going to want to pick the team, but FIFA don't approve of that kind of thing. I'll have to get a compliant stooge in place, to do my bidding.

The team needs width and attacking verve. Wingers, and lots of them. Don't care who they are. Terry Christie, when manager of Meadowbank, took us from the very basement of Scottish football - and that's a pretty fucking deep basement by the way - to the cusp of promotion to the Premier League by playing four wingers. That's what you need.

Another thing I'm going to do when I'm King, is ban the use of the word LUXURY on food packaging. This is a decadent age in which we live, with absurd amounts of money in the hands of a few oil barons and a lot of Premiership footballers. Society is bloated and fat, a crapulent, corpulent, selfish, hedonistically indulgent behemoth on the verge of implosion and collapse, where luxury is defined by £500,000 supercars, first class airline travel and the preposterously gauche Burj Al Arab in Dubai, where a collection of overpaid flatulent interior designers have puked out a random series of colours and fabric. In this godforsaken third millennium, luxury is excess, luxury is existentialist abandon. What it's not, is a chocolate biscuit.

Luxury chocolate biscuits. You find them on every supermarket shelf. Yet, it just cannot be. A biscuit, of itself, cannot be luxurious. By definition. It's a biscuit, for goodness sake. You eat it with your tea, or you eat the entire packet standing over the biscuit tin. Luxury doesn't come into it. If they're going to claim that the biscuit is luxurious, then it should come complete with return first class air travel to the Seychelles.

So it will probably just be simpler to ban the use of the word luxury on biscuit packaging. And other foodstuffs.