Waiting For A Sign
10 September 2010
Disconcerting reports have reached Long Midnight Publishing Headquarters here in the heart of London of plans by an American pastor to publicly burn the entire canon of Barney Thomson books this weekend.
The Rev Terry Jones, formally of Monty Python, originally stated that many of the books in the series "caused great offence to Christians", citing the homicidal monk of Book 2, the homicidal fake vicar of Book 3, the homicidal real vicar of Book 4, the legion of blasphemy that is Book 5, including the outrageous and preposterous resurrection of Christ scene, the inclusion of Satan in Book 6, and the further outrages of Book 7, including the presence of God as a character. Initial reports suggested that the Rev Jones was particularly upset that God was portrayed as coming from New England, when "every idiot knows he comes from the South." However, further revelations have emerged today to suggest the Rev Jones was misrepresented in previous statements issued in his name.
Speaking from in front of his telephone box-sized building of religious xenophobia in Florida this morning, the Rev Jones said, "Actually we're just burning them because they're shit."
Elvis Shackleton, Long Midnight Publishing's Director of Religious Affairs, has today held long discussions with US President Obama on what can be done to avert this catastrophic diplomatic crisis. So far the men have agreed to meet up in Hawaii next month to eat doughnuts. Further talks are planned for February 2012.
Becoming embroiled in the argument, celebrity scientist Stephen Hawking today dismissed the Rev Jones' claims that he was "waiting for a sign from God" as just "crazy talk".