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Shag, Marry, Skedaddle: The Biggest Bond Villains Graded

Shag, Marry, Skedaddle: The Biggest Bond Villains Graded

Douglas Lindsay

14 November 2020 17:18

Excerpted from THE JAFFA CAKE PARADIGM, Episode 3 of the second series of SCENES FROM THE BARBERSHOP FLOOR. Click HERE to read the full episode.


Everyone loves a Bond villain. But what if you actually LOVED a Bond villain. With so many actual potential Bond villains in the world, from uber-weird Elon Musk, to haunted sarcophagus Mark Zuckerburg, the chances of meeting the real thing keep rising. With the incredible new Bond film, NO TIME TO DIE, out soon, we took a look at Bond’s most famous villains, from the ones who’ll give you the feels, to the ones who’ll have you pressing the ejector button in the passenger seat.

ROSA KLEB: You probably don’t want to go anywhere near the brutalist Kleb, the SPECTRE operative from the second Bond film, FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE. If you do inexplicably find yourself about to head to the bedroom, make sure she takes her shoes off first. SKEDADDLE!

AURIC GOLDFINGER: No oil painting, but on the plus side, he has a private jet and you’ll stay in the best hotels. However, he looks like he’ll be into some seriously kinky sex, and when he gets the gold paint out, it’s time to run. SKEDADDLE!

ELEKTRA KING: Glamour millionairess from THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH. Sure, she might have you killed so you probably don’t want to stick around, but she’s rich, she’s gorgeous, and who wouldn’t want to take that risk? SHAG!

ALEC TREVELYAN: Turncoat MI6 character from GOLDENEYE. You know you can’t trust him, but hey, it’s Sean Bean. Go for it, take out a massive life insurance policy, and wait for him to die. Sean Bean ALWAYS dies. MARRY!

MIRANDA FROST: Frost, from chill thriller DIE ANOTHER DAY, is as beautiful as she is untrustworthy. You don’t want to miss out on the sex – and if you can rope in Halle Berry’s Jinx from the same movie to join you, we salute you – but commitment will be the end of you. SHAG!

JAWS: Everyone’s favourite loveable Bond giant, Jaws is the vicious villain with the heart of gold. Go on ladies, you know he’s worth it, just watch out for the clash of teeth at the height of passion. MARRY!

XENIA ONATOPP: Famke Janssen’s killer character from GOLDENEYE has tonnes going for her. Fighter pilot? Yep. Intelligent? Yep. Beautiful? Yep. Has orgasms while committing murder during sex? Wait, what? Yes, the alluring Onatopp likes to crush lovers to death with her thighs. SKEDDADLE!

BLOFELD: The character has truly found his mark in the hands of Christoph Waltz, first in SPECTRE, and now in the latest Bond thriller NO TIME TO DIE. Cunning and charismatic, he’s evil with a knowing smile and the coolest scar in film. If you like supreme criminal power, and don’t mind being married to a psychopath, Blofeld might just be worth it. MARRY!

PUSSY GALORE: Is she actually a villain? Who cares? Pussy Galore was the sexiest thing to come out of the 60s, and the 60s had Diana Rigg and Daphne from Scooby Doo. MARRY!

SAFIN: In NO TIME TO DIE Safin is the uber-intelligent, uber-vicious terrorist that finally might be a match for Bond. Naturally, in the hands of Rami Malek, there’s something delicious about him. But ladies, beware. Safin wants to kill everyone. You’ll want to check this villain out for yourself, but we recommend: SKEDADDLE!

NO TIME TO DIE, the 25th Bond movie, opens in cinemas (some indeterminate date in the future...)

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