The second thrilling instalment of the weekly column that several national newspapers are already calling "the weekly column" is now available at blastedheath.com. Click here to read the full thing in all it's gloriousness.

"The Green Eyebrow would also walk unexpectedly onto the set of The X-Factor, just as they were telling some talentless twat how wonderful they were and how they’re ready to be a pop star RIGHT NOW and how their performance was better than anything they’d ever seen in their entire life. Then, faced with The Green Eyebrow, there would be a sudden outbreak of honesty, and the judges would start saying things like: ‘you know, most of that was out of tune,’ and ‘you look like an idiot and you can’t sing worth a fuck’ and ‘to be honest, we’ve been pulling this emperor’s new clothes schtick for too long – you can’t sing, you look ridiculous and for God’s sake, will you stop bursting the fuck into tears…’"